Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Richard

Maplewood Gazette

Recommended Posts

After the first weekend in April, the Maplewood Gazette can be found discarded on the tables of the Spinning Jenny, wrinkled and stained from spilled drinks. If you take the time to peruse the worn paper, you can read the following:

MAPLEWOOD GAZETTE

April 1596 Norma DiPluma

RAISE A MUG TO OZ: Ozwindel sen Craftwalker sen Etc Etc, merchant of repute, will celebrate his birthday by covering bar tabs Saturday Night at the Spinning Jenny. Drink up!

 

SONGSTER REQUESTED: Cantor Lazulite Ferdinand requests interested singers for the Sept's Chorale. He is looking for two sopranos and a good alto to round out the Chorale. Services for the aformentioned vacancies will occur upon the first thaw.

 

MARITAL OPENING AVAILABLE: Harris the Cooper has lost his wife and daughter to the city life of Civenopolis. He requests a replacement who can cook, mend, keep numbers, likes dogs; lacking a sense of smell is a plus—no dowry required. Seek him at his farmstead.

 

LOCAL BOY MADE GOOD: Erin Thundershield (formerly Erin Walkerson) has signed on to the Red Dozen, a caravan guard outfit. His mother requests any Maplewood citizen convey her love if they see him passing through town. Info of same rewarded by pie.

 

MARKETPLACE WIDE OPEN: The Owl and Ore is open for business! Do you need items magical, mundane, or alchemic? Looking to sell for same? Owl and Ore is here for you!

 

GOAT KILLER RAMPAGE: Joanna Tanner has lost five goats in the last week. She warns of wolves, who are lean from the winter. Bring arrows when walking the woods.

 

MARRIAGE: Emilia and Franco Francoson have married in the eyes of the Sept, their families, and each other. Keep your hands to yourselves, ladies and gents!

 

MENDER: Quality Mending Services available; ask for Mercy in the Spinning Jenny

 

PEOPLE, NOT PEE-POLE: The Constables would like to remind all Citizens and otherwise that the Spire is not to be urinated upon, as the symbol of Maplewood 'demands respect.'

 

HUNGER WELCOMED!: Sprag, of Sprag's Snacks, politely requests the presence of your hunger at his world-famous grill in Merchantown. Local Gershen cuisine at its finest!

 

APPRENTICE OPENING: Harding the Smith has an opening for an apprentice, since the last one “fainted in the fire and had thin wrists.” Applications accepted at her forge.

 

EXPOSE: PATERNITY FOR A PRICE-- Old Farmer Deggins wishes to inform the quote “refugee refuse of Pinedale”unquote to keep their quote“dirty lice-picking hands”unquote off his daughters. Further, a reward of nine coppers (firm) is offered to anyone who can prove, or offer sworn testimony to Constable Antigone, determining which quote “egg-sucking fatherless son of a orc”unquote impregnated his fourth daughter Ilene. He also has compost for trade.

 

GUIDE FOR HIRE: 'Rockbottom' Gerry offers her services as guide to any who wish to find the “Real Civenopolis Experience.” She is putting together a caravan of like-minded travelers; they will leave Maplewood on the end of the month, so signup now! Tours will include a gladitorial Colosseum , a ludus, shopping on Eagle Promenade, a winery (of course) and even an afternoon at the world-infamous “Petting Zoo” on Dripbottom Street! Have the time of your lifetime, at “Rockbottom's Prices!”

 

MR. FARGONE'S INTERESTING PARSNIP: Mr. Fargone has a very interesting parsnip, in a shape that looks similar to...things that are not parsnips. It has weathered the winter well. He is charging half price, one copper (firm) per person, to see his interesting parsnip. The parsnip is not for sale. Inquire at the Fargone homestead, or most Mondays at the Spinning Jenny.

 

PINEDALE REFUGEES DO GOOD: Ms. Formier wishes to thank the refugees of Pinedale for their assistance constructing her new farmstead to the south of Maplewood.

 

AN OOZE IN TIME: Local artist Flabeaux Flatley is looking for an ooze to capture in marble sculpture. He politely requests that the refugees refrain from killing oozes for a week.

 

Did you hear about the man who's whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

Can February march? No, but April may.

 

Did you hear about the cow who was knighted? His name is Sir Loin

 

How do you get an one-armed buzzer out of a tree? Wave to it.

 

Why do elves have pointy ears? There has to be some point to elves.

 

What do you call a bard with no hands? A “No Holds Bard”

 

Why are terrans good at Liar's Dice? Because they're stone-faced.

 

MAPLEWOOD GAZETTE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×